You think I’m kidding…………..

But I’m not.

This stuff is like crack. Only better.

Why are we talking about drugs? Let’s talk about walnut butter.

It’s easy. Like super dee duper easy. There’s blades involved, so leave the kids at home for this soiree. That means more crack for you anyway.

The story begins something like this.

Walnuts. Get ‘em from Costco or a bulk bin or online or from the walnut dealers in the back alleys. Just get ‘em, and I won’t ask questions. Kay?

Now, onto the salt. Move over sugar, there’s a new lover in my life. Look at those pearly whites.

Can we have some honest dialogue about salt? It’s important.

I know it’s tempting to use regular ‘ole salt—like the kind that comes in Big Gulp-sized containers, but please don’t. You’ll break my heart.

This isn’t even food snobbery; this is me telling it like it is. Plain table salt will make your beautious nut buttah taste kinda like well, crap. We don’t want that. Crap is already plentiful enough in this world anyway.

You don’t have to buy salt that is worth more than diamonds, just something a little classy.

I went with Trader Joe’s coarse sea salt. Apparently it’s from off the Atlantic coast of France. Buttttt, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

If you prefer mountainous salt not from Europe, that’s none of my business.

All I ask is that you try to get the good stuff.

Please? Do it for me.

Okay, now grab your walnuts and salt.

Take a deep breath. And get ready for this WILDDDDDDDD ride.

Nothing (or should I say nut-thing?) but smooth sailing from here.

Walnut Butter

This stuff is magical. Like all your dreams came true in one fell swoop. Somehow, the simple combination of walnuts and some good (sea) salt makes for an absolutely euphoric combination. The walnuts impart a buttery flavor and velvety smooth texture, while the sea salt provides an intricate end note. Let’s just call it peanut butter’s sophisticated older sister.

Yield: 2 cups walnut butter

Ingredients:

3 cups walnuts

3/4 tsp coarse sea salt or 1/2 tsp fine sea salt (USE GOOD SALT!)

Directions:

In a food processor or high speed blender, add the walnuts and salt.
Process for 10-15 minutes, scraping down the sides as necessary.
Pour nut butter into a jar and refrigerate.

It really doesn’t get much easier than that, but just in case you’re feeling frisky today, how about a little photo tutorial?

Combine nuts + salt in your food processor.

I use a Cuisinart that might as well be classified as a “dinosaur.”

(P.S. I still love you, Dino.)

Can’t you almost make out the word Dino? At least it’s a plus…

I digress. I need to get my priorities straight.

Snap on your lid, and start the blending.

Wheeeeeeee..kinda like a county fair ride that would make you puke.

Sorry, bad visual. Like I was saying…

After a few minutes, it begins to look really crumbly.

Similar in texture to wet sand. Only much better tasting.

As you continue to blend, the nut butter may start to climb up the sides. Just stop processing for a moment and scrape down the sides before continuing to blend.

In the next few minutes, it should begin to look a lot like cookie dough.

Did someone say COOKIE DOUGH?!?!!??!!?

That’s another story for another day.

Soon, the butter will get to be more liquid-y but still really thick. Keep chuggin’ along.

At last, you’ll start to get a smooth-ish consistency. You’ll be tempted to stop and to ignore these very words, but trust me, keep going. The nut budd-uh will thicken when placed in the fridge.

Finally, it should come to a semi-drippy consistency. For me, this is perfect for drizzling over oatmeal or a sweet potato, but if you’d like it a bit thicker, stop a couple minutes early.

Now for the best part—licking the food processor!

Don’t look at me like that. I know you’ve done it (or at least thought about it) too.